It has been a year since I launched this website – an incredible year. I remember staring at the screen with my finger an inch from the return button with tears streaming down my flushed face. I have never been so scared as I was at that moment, but at the same time, never more assured. I knew pressing that button would change my life as I knew it but I didn’t know how. I worried of being criticized and shunned, and in some cases I have been. I had to accept that. I came to the realization that this was more important than myself and my feelings. There was a power greater than me that was pushing me forward. I had agonized over whether or not to do publish my life, and all those in it, to the world. I was worried about hurting those who have hurt me, which was never my intent. My intent was to release the hurt and by doing so, hopefully help others through their pain.
And so I pushed return, and that moment was the oddest, most spectacular feeling I have ever felt. It was the emotional equivalent to skydiving or bungee jumping. I felt scared as hell, yet free and liberated. Every rope of truth that tethered me was broken and I was free; free from fear, pain, shame, and doubt. I was emotionally naked and vulnerable, yet empowered because I no longer lived behind the fear of being exposed. This was me, raw and uncensored.
The first thing I realized is that I wasn’t alone. So many people that I have known for years, some all of my life, came forward and shared their pain and their story with me. One person told me that this was the first time she didn’t feel alone and that someone understood her pain. That meant more to me than I can ever express. I knew I had done a good thing here.
In the past year, I have had over 4,000 visitors on my site. Some I hear from, many I don’t. I often wonder what kind of impact I have had on their lives if any. I guess I will never really know. It warms my heart when someone emails me and I realize that I have made a difference in someone’s life and helped them find their voice. I am still finding my voice after years of not being allowed to speak.
What is abundantly clear to me now is that people perceive and treat you the way you perceive and treat yourself. I respect myself now, and others do the same. I am honest with myself and care less about what other people think. I still have much work to do, but I will always be a work-in-progress.
I started a new job and am doing things I never thought I was capable of. Without fear, I am able to achieve whatever I want to. With faith, I know that all I can do is what needs to be done and what is supposed to happen will. I no longer worry about tomorrow, because today is the only day I can do anything about. There are some days I look up the mountain and the magnitude of the journey is overwhelming. I then shift my focus onto the next step, the only thing I have control over, and the fear turns to excitement and fuels me as I keep moving forward.
Thank you to all who have supported me and believed in me. You have helped me believe in myself. And a special thanks who those who didn’t support or believe in me. You have been been my biggest motivator. Without resistance I couldn’t have gained the strength I now have. I now see what threatened you and that is the greatest gift I have ever received.
